Yeah, yeah. Everyone says their kombucha is so great. So I’m not going to say a thing.

I’ll let Eric Clapton do it:

RealResearch™ is by far and without a doubt the best kombucha available anywhere in Austin. Every day there’s a new “artisanal microbrew” kombucha outfit popping up. Scott’s brewery is different. He makes the stuff in a black granite pyramid, for fuck’s sake. He never has more than three brewers working. And they’re tiny—he only uses traditional 2.5 gallon Mexican water dispensers.

He only makes two flavors—pure and ginger. The flavor makes me manic, like Tom Cruise on Adderall. He’s brought out the essence. And with his TBX he’s got the whole thing regulated to perfection. It even sends an alarm to his Calendar that tells him when to bottle and tap. Bloody brilliant!

It’s true. (Confession: Eric and I are not very close and only I met him recently through my high-school ex. My social status is honestly very low. But he does love my kombucha. I know it’s ugly to praise your own accomplishments, especially where I was raised (Pusan, Korea). But people really do freak out when they drink it.

And I will also stand by this: That RealResearch™ is the most effective among kombucha brands marketed specifically for their psycho-stimulating effect, which in most cases is purely placebo. RealResearch™ affects you whether you believe in it or not. It hits you hard and boots mood, energy, and focus independently of any suggestion. This is what is most unusual about it.

Best of all: I show you exactly how to make it yourself for 1/10th of the price of those DIY kombucha starter kits sold online by grossly unethical assholes that pretend to be big-hearted organic progressives.