Masturbatory meditation vs Vipassana

Confession: I think I am relaxing or meditating when I am really flowing with my escapist fantasies. With an attitude of seriousness or self-medication, I sink into pleasant imaginary creation.

For 8 years now since graduation! 8 years and not a THING has been done! Why? Because I enter into the stream and feel the horror of my DEVONthink procrastination body-pain and then either spiral into A93 or Tetris.

8 years—that’s pretty funny. Like Larry Flynt’s 10 years locked inside the bedroom.

Next time: do not feel the surge and then react by retreating into fakism. Rather,

As it is, not as you would like it to be, but as it is.

This. Is nearly impossible. So nearly impossible that when it is attempted, I am shoved by greatest power into the warm arms of fantasy or some real and tactile distraction—Tetris, eating, Youtube, and so on.

But when you do pull it off—that is, pull off sustained acutely accurate Noting intelligence aimed at (1) the whole field of bodily-sensorial energy and (2) specifically at those hotspots that drive compulsory reaction. When you do this, the weird ensuing derailed Becoming it produces is distinctive. Hard to maintain, because the habitual response to ANY sort of vedana is craving-fantasy-secretion-vedana-craving or aversion-fantasy-secretion-vedana-aversion. This is not bad—it is the primary biological motivator as far as intentional-agentive consciousness is concerned. It is not wrong, only non-existent—your real self (the unconditioned Witness, which is the only viable candidate for the imposition of rational choice over habit, or goal-setting) has no traction except by non-reaction to vedana. Intervening in the cycle of habitual reaction-fantasy-secretion-vedana-reaction