The revenge of the Christ


Jesus unplugged his hands and feet, climbed down, and killed—Navy Seal style—everybody involved in his ordeal, which posterity perversely christened his passion. Not only the Sanhedrin, Caiaphas, Pilate, and the Roman cops, but also Antipas, Judas, Peter, and anyone who ever mocked him or who was glad to see him die. And not only them, but even John the Baptizer—for having started him on the whole doomed path of visionary politico-religious provocateur.

This is what a normal person would do—if he could. And this is definitely what a hero would do. A hero would have killed everybody involved in his unnecessary suffering. A hero would have enjoyed the normal hero’s revenge. He was only talking for Chrissake. He was perfectly within his First Amendment rights to condemn the shithead Jewish priesthood and politicos, and the Roman invaders who were really running things.

But what did Jesus do instead? He unplugged his hands and feet, climbed down … and killed everybody involved in his suffering, in his imagination!

He did get the normal hero’s revenge. He did kill all his attackers, primary or marginal, with his words—by ordering them to be thrown

into the fiery furnace. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. So it will be at the end of the age. The angels will come out and separate the evil from the righteous and throw them into the fiery furnace. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Matthew 13)

Jesus’ revenge was actually better than that of a Navy Seal, whose punishment (quick death) is relatively merciful. Jesus, unlike the Navy Seal, placed his enemy combatants in an irreversible chamber of unspeakable woe modeled after a local rubbish-burning and corpse-cremation field. He calls hell

the unquenchable fire … where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched. (Mark 9)

Other attributes of Jesus’ revenge:

  • Jesus’s punishment takes place is a terrifying setting called the outer darkness:
Bind him hand and foot and cast him into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Matthew 22:13)
  • Jesus’s punishment never completes:
And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life. (Matthew 25:46)

Best of all, Jesus’ revenge is one that we are still talking about today. Physical torture can never last longer than a lifetime. But the torture of legend gets told and retold through the generations. Just like underage porn stars like Traci Lords are “abused again and again” every time we watch their videos, so also Jesus’ victims are victimized again and again every time we read, write, speak, or hear these passages.