The way to approach your problem is like Deleuze.
Marvel at the project from a distance. Appreciate it like a handyman fondly treats familiar problems.
Everything in the universe right now boils down into two:
- all sense consciousnesses, inner and outer
- all impulses, automatic and intentional.
The passive self feels corporeal sensations. You are afferent neurons. You are a system of fluctuating electric fields. You are that fleshy quivering swarm of nano-butterflies in your neck and chest and neck and neck and throat. So much buzzing, chunky pain.
The idea of tackling your projects amplifies all pain.
You already know how to solve all your problems.
Feel your face.
You are scared of your own face.
You feel fear. To others, you project
I am afraid. I hate myself. I do not need you. I am happy without you. I don’t want you near me. I am better than you.
Confess that fear and pain are your reality now.
Do the actions that will put you into the being you really want.
But I thought that I could go around the hot spot of massive spiritual discomfort by doing some kind of training, practice, or seminar. Then I could do my actions with more joy and less effort. The seminar would create a new self that is not me that can take the blows of fear and defeat and keep going with a smile.
No: the way out is attention-forward.
And the impulses that you hate are you.
Impulses are the self, right now, in this moment.
What constitutes the large egg of terror below your solar plexus? That egg is your afferent self, bombarded by buzzing from all over and now a swirling center of kill-energy.
Anything that is not repetition is fear and pain.
The kill-egg is a hot clot.
- Empowerment seminars are not actions that are on your to-do list.
- Reflecting on your fantasies of being great and happy is not doing actions that are on your to do list.
- Enrolling others in your having gotten is not doing actions that are on your to do list (and in facts hinders their completion).
- Feeling fear and frowning in public is a big angry pout and makes everyone around into Mommies!
Nothing hurts more than this one:
There’s nothing I hate more than the armies conjured by intending this:
Oh, by the way. The God who loves me most and whom I hate the most? His name is:
- Confess your ugliness. Specifically, feel you emotion in your face. This will bring your real state closer to awareness. No airbrushing to yourself in imagination. Feel the ugly with naked honesty.
- Love your porcupine. The reason the problem has snowballed is because taking action hurts. Well, hold my hand and feel the hurt as you begin shoveling a year’s worth of accumulated sewage into the sun.
- Take action now. Do the actions on your to-do list.
- Begin. Which means you stop reading this and love your porcupine right now.