Using quotation marks to sell a lie

Y’all know that I’m fascinated by ridiculous things. I am also fascinated by difficulty and voluntary servitude. That’s what drove my post about the young seminarians. These guys have chosen a very hard path and surely have the most intense emotional, imaginary, and erotic lives. I was not making fun of them, by the way, for the one person who thought so. I think their choice is noble, and difficult (and I think that difficulty itself is noble).

But now we must discuss the ugly and ridiculous. I’m speaking of course of marketing. Especially bullshit New Age marketing that invents utterly fictional value from nothing but fiat. While perusing accidental search terms … Ok. I’ll be honest. I was looking over old notes and I saw a typo that I could not decipher. A solution can often be grabbed by Googling it, since Google includes typo algorithm (keyboard proximity) as one of its deciphering tools. The phrase was “ores-structuring.” Google invoked this:

What the hell is “structured water?” I was genuinely curious.

What the hell is “structured water?” I was genuinely curious. So I clicked and scrolled through a lovely quasi-scientific parade of oxygen and hydrogen bonds. Wait … water. They’re selling something to do with water. Wait … OK. It’s poetry. The oxygen and hydrogen bonds are metaphors to capture the real notion, which is HAPPY NATURE:

Activated Hydrogen Structured Water is water in nature. If you take a gallon or ten gallons of water and pour it in a pristine mountain stream at the top of the mountain and then collect it at the bottom, the water is structured by nature and now living.

What!? How could such a fancy site sell such shitty fiction? Living!? Isn’t false advertising illegal?

Structured or “living” water is free of negative memory and is reprogrammed to it’s natural environment and the memory of a pristine mountain spring dancing over rocks, falling over waterfalls, and vortexing, creating oxygen rich water. It has a balanced pH like natural mountain springs and is able to hydrate due to its high vibrational strength held within the active hydrogen, i.e. hydrogen bonds.

Whew! OK—they brought in the truth-cancelling quotes to avoid prosecution. By living they mean a broad metaphor that encompasses other bio-metaphors that are more naturally occurring, such as dancing—as in, “The sunlight was dancing on the waves of the pond.” Water that (1) moves along (2) rocks is “dancing” and, therefore, “alive.” This company will sell you a rock-filled tube to bring living dancing energy to your kitchen tap water. Tap water, dancing over rocks … Alive.

No! So much evil bullshit. And the company is from Sedona, AZ. Could you imagine being raised in Sedona? Wouldn’t that be like being raised with Amish? It’s just as weird. It’s an environment with abnormally high levels of false advertising that permeates the culture and becomes normal. Dishonest marketing hyperbole is American culture. Everyone is outshining everyone with their gorgeous online avatars. Objective value is being replaced by marketing hype.

Caveman Grok’s mammoth spear flies like an eagle to its target, while those of Caveman Smeg lollygag and often miss their target, due to their missing Grok’s patented Essence of Eagle Breath Treatment.

Did that ever happen? If so, then I guess everything is OK.

Wait—there’s a funny part to the evil Sedona marketing bullshit.

Water has become unhealthy through the evolution of PIPING (a closed environment with little or no oxygen) …

Great. So guess what the shit-headed liars at Living Springs are selling. A pipe:

An unhealthy pipe. Oh wait, you’re paying for this. A life-bestowing pipe.
We then put it through our structuring pipe that acts as a pristine riverbed full of tiny mineral ores that provide the entire realm of chemical and physical reactions that take place in a natural spring. This process activates hydrogen bonds allowing humans, plants, and animals to absorb more water and detox the body.

Doing so “stimulates” the “charges of the hydrogen atoms” and “brings the water back to life.”

Hydrogen Activation provides optimum “intra”cellular hydration and detoxification and antioxidation while balancing your body’s pH naturally. You will have more energy, better kidney, liver, eye, brain, and organ functions all due to optimum hydration. Enjoy more energy and smoother, softer skin and hair.

Here, finally, is their nauseating About Blurb (mission statement):

Similar to what transpires in nature, Living Springs mineral ores activate the electrical charges of the hydrogen atom through resonate frequencies broadcast to water molecules. These resonating frequencies transmit at a particular wavelength and change the chemical structure-or bonds-of the water molecules. Our products are designed to bring you pure quality water with environmentally safe, cost effective solutions while protecting and nurturing our planet’s limited resource. We are a company that cares about our local and global community. We are a company that believes in equality and liberty. We believe that good quality pure water, food, and shelter is a basic human right.

Young marketing demons, pretending to be tree hugging hippies who just happen to make money from their water-resurrecting crusade.

Their full About Us page mentions one truth, though. Water has been scientifically proven to hydrate:

Living Springs has one interest and one interest only: To create pure and pristine water as nature intended using natural minerals and movements to produce water that hydrates at the intracellular level. This is what we are all looking for... water that hydrates, detoxifies, and works as an antioxidant. Improves organ functions, helps balance your body’s pH naturally thru hydration, gives you energy and gets things moving again in the body. Scientifically proven to hydrate... PUBLISHED! Remember... HYDRATION IS KING and it is “active hydrogen” that hydrates us, gives us energy, and rejuvenates the cell.

Yes, its is not active hydrogen but “active hydrogen.” The miracle of quotation marks. And they ALL-CAPS the word PUBLISHED, and even precede it with ellipses, yet never provide citation info or a link.

So I’m going to fill out their Get More Information form and ask if they could send me the title of the article!

I can’t wait!
I can’t wait!